Miss Daisy, Roving Reporter

I know Dogs

I have noticed how dogs sometimes take the look of their owners. Well, they also exhibit their owner’s neurosis and personality. The editor of Dog Biscuit Gazette, Robert, flipped out and it affected me also. Dogs have feelings too you know…especially above average dogs.

Robert went on a cruise in the Caribbean with his wife and was watching the weather in Minneapolis and Embarrass, MN (my home town) from the ship. This January, the wind chill dropped to 18 below for a week and they smugly sat back and said, ‘cool, we left at the right time’. Yeah right.

If you like cold come to Minnesota in the winter and step outside. It’s like going to hell to light a cigarette.

When Robert returned home at midnight, the house and office were frigid. The furnace had died, the toilet tanks were frozen solid, with the water pipes and ice was on the windows. I have fur but he wore tropical sandals and a Hawaiian shirt. I hardly felt the cold because my boyfriend, a sled dog, told me to keep moving and take small breaths for warmth.

I hopped into bed with them to keep warm. The furnace had been restarted and the pipes were beginning to warm. Then about 2:30 am, they heard a huge ‘whoosh’ when the ceiling collapsed under the weight of the cold water collecting there. I barked but somehow they didn’t hear me.

As the cold water sprayed my body, I got cold real cold. My feet cramped in the 2-inch water and I started to shiver. I figured ‘no rest for the blessed’ and wondered what my boyfriend would have told me to do.

Robert flipped out and turned off the wrong water main but did call the insurance company who jumped to the rescue and sent a service company to the crime. They turned off the water and cut up the carpet downstairs. They ripped up the kitchen floor and several walls. The Gazette office was also damaged and we had to suspend operations for several weeks.

It was the huge six 747 fans that were on 24/7 for two weeks to dry out the floors, walls, and ceiling that became my worst experience. The noise is how prisoners are driven to talk after the sound has beaten them down. We couldn’t communicate with each other, hear the phone or answer the doorbell. Barking was futile. It was torture.

A gold plated plumber had to be called at $200 an hour (that’s over 850 pounds of dog food) the next day and he worked from 2:30 to 9:30 pm. Walls were torn open throughout to access the pipes and Robert went into a funk. I thought this was fun at first but only Robert’s wife kept her ‘cool’.

Robert growled that he had to wear his socks and underwear for days on end until a new washer was purchased. He still itches and curses a lot.

I was psychologically upside down. My food and water dishes were moved and I couldn’t find them for days because they kept moving them. My favorite TV shows, Animal Planet, and the Weather Channel were changed. The speakerphone was crackling and my computer was offline. I somehow became allergic to the humidity and dust and began to scratch and itch. My beautiful white fur is matted, all chewed up, and disappearing. I look like an average dog. Monday, I’m getting my hair done.

The vet gave me some meds that I must take to calm me down and end the itching. I’m slowly regaining my physical stature. However, mentally, I’m becoming just like Robert.

Workmen come in, shake their heads, and spend hours remodeling and repairing. The fans are gone, and the doghouse has been restored to its former elegance.

Barking now rules the office and the best advice I can give you now is: TURN OFF YOUR WATER WHEN LEAVING HOME.

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